


When All Goes To Shit

by itsnotrocketscience



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Takes Care of Dean Winchester, Comforting Castiel (Supernatural), Established Relationship, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Wow tagging is hard, im a sucker for hurt/comfort, no smut just pain, who puts kale in lasagna?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:15:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28368237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsnotrocketscience/pseuds/itsnotrocketscience
Summary: Something was wrong.Dean felt as if his skin was on fire. He began scratching his arms and his face, trying to feel something, but it was no use. The desperation Dean was feeling made him mad. He felt as if he couldn't do anything to stop this.Dean felt as if he was dying.*********Or, when Dean gets a panic attack out of nowhere, Cas is there to comfort him.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 54





	When All Goes To Shit

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Panic attacks. If this is something that triggers you, please, reconsider reading this.  
> Stay safe, everyone.

Something was wrong.

It had been a normal afternoon, he and Cas watched Dr. Sexy for what it felt like the hundredth time and just enjoyed the day off they finally had. It had been a rough week; Dean had had unexplainable emotions lately. At times he was happy and content but then, almost out of nowhere, he would get the feeling that this wasn't his life, that he wasn't feeling these feelings, that he was empty. Numb. The only real emotions he got were feelings of irritation over nothing. Cas had noticed this, but when he asked Dean if something was going on, Dean denied it. It wasn't like anything _was_ going on, right? Just some mixed emotions, he had dealt with a lot more, he could deal with this as well.

The worried gaze Cas gave him stayed, but he didn't push. Dean was grateful.

Returning to this afternoon. While he and Cas watched TV, Sam came from the shop, carrying two bags of groceries. He had been excited to try out this new lasagna recipe he had found on the internet, but when Dean saw it contained something called 'kale', he quickly explained that he wasn't feeling hungry and went to his room to find something to occupy him, while Cas helped Sam make the lasagna.

Dean couldn't remember the last time he had cleaned his room, so he took the opportunity to do just that.

While getting some dust off the shelves, he suddenly felt this irritation. Dean tried to ignore it and continue with the task, but it quickly began to grow bigger until it transformed into full-on anger. See, Dean was used to the feeling of frustration, and usually, he could easily push it down until it disappeared or at least went down to the minimum. This time however he couldn't do it. The urge to scream was at the front of his mind. Dean didn't know what to do, he felt as if his insides were turning and doing backflips. Any activity he pictured in his mind instantly made him want to vomit. The only thing he could imagine doing was sleeping, and he thought maybe to do just that, take a nap, to calm himself down, but his heart was trying to run a 100-meter sprint over and over again, so that wasn't a possibility.

Okay, there was definitely something wrong. Dean's hands were shaking, and he tried to concentrate on a spot on the wall to ground himself, but that didn't help. He began pacing around the room, trying to get this disgusting urge out, but it was no help. He sat down on his bed and tried screaming in his pillow. The feeling still didn't back down. Exasperated, he punched the pillow and didn't stop until he saw feathers flying all around him.

Dean felt as if his skin was on fire. He began scratching his arms and his face, trying to feel something, but it was no use. He bit down on his hand, hoping the anger would leave if he concentrated on pain. The desperation Dean was feeling made him mad. He felt as if he couldn't do anything to stop this.

Dean felt as if he was dying.

When Cas opened the door to Dean's room, the sight made his stomach drop instantly. Dean was sitting on the bed, a half-destroyed pillow clutched tightly in his arms, face buried in it. He was rocking back and forth, mumbling something Cas couldn't make out. He stood there, taken back when he remembered he could speak.

“Dean?”

Dean didn't look up, he just kept rocking back and forth, the intensity growing more and more each second.

Cas tried again, louder, “Dean?”

He finally looked up. Cas could see he had been crying, though he wondered if Dean had noticed it. The rising of his head revealed his forearms, which had been scratched with so much force they were almost bleeding. Cas saw several bite marks on his hands and wrists. He wanted to cry himself.

“Cas?” Dean's voice rasped. It was filled with so much pain, Cas would have been ready to give anything, to take the pain away for just a moment.

“Cas, I don’t know what's happening to me.”

Cas wanted to breakdown right at that moment, but Dean needed him, so Cas swallowed his tears and began moving towards the bed.

“No, don't come any closer!” Dean practically shouted, “I don't want to hurt you, I can't- I can't hurt you.”

His voice was pleading, so small, Cas felt his heart shatter. He didn't step any closer but raised a hand, almost like, when trying to carefully approach a wounded animal.

“Dean, you're not going to hurt me. Can you tell me what's wrong?”

Dean was still rocking, although it seemed like he had at least stopped crying. That didn't help to put Cas’s worry to rest.

“I- I don't know, I suddenly felt so- so angry, I don't know what to do, I don't- I don't-“ The panic in Dean's voice started rising again, so Cas quickly began to calm him down.

“Shh, Dean, it's okay, we’ll get through this, it's okay.”

Dean frantically shook his head, but it seemed like the rocking was starting to slow down. Cas carefully came closer and sat on the bed. When Dean felt Cas’s weight on the bed, he quickly scrambled back, like Cas was the worst monster he had ever seen. This pained Cas to see, but he had to get through to Dean, he was locked inside his mind, without so much as a hand to help him get out.

“No, no, no, no, no-“ Dean mumbled.

“It’s okay, Dean, you're not going to hurt me, it's okay."

“How do you know? No, no, no, Cas, please,”

He cried harder.

“Shh, Dean, I know you're not going to hurt me, you would never hurt me. Dean, listen to me, it's okay.”

He put a hand on Dean's shoulder. The touch seemed to snap Dean out of his thoughts. He looked at Cas with fear he had never seen in Dean's eyes. Cas wanted to scream.

“Dean, it's okay.”

It seemed like the hand on his shoulder had been a good move, because Dean lunged himself towards Cas. Cas quickly hugged Dean back and let him break down in his arms. Dean was shaking, quiet sobs breaking the silence in the room.

His breathing was still uneven, but at least it looked like the fear and anger were starting to back down. Cas caringly took his face and brushed away the tears from Dean's rosy cheeks. His whole face was red from crying and scratching, but he was still beautiful. Cas thought there were very few scenarios where Dean would not look beautiful and even then, he had a tough time trying to imagine one.

“Can you tell me what's wrong?” He asked quietly.

Dean had a pained expression all over his face, but it was calm, and that was the least Cas could've asked for. He took a deep breath.

“I was cleaning my room, and I don't know, I suddenly felt this- this rage inside of me. It was the most furious I've ever been, it was awful, Cas, awful. I'd never felt this way before.” He was silent for a moment. It looked like he tried to find words to match his feelings. After a while, Dean spoke up again. “The worst part is, I didn't know where it was pointed at. I wasn't angry at anyone, and it didn't feel like I was angry with myself either. I was just infuriated at nothing, and I didn't know how to get it out of me. The last time I felt this type of panic, it was in hell. I really thought I was dying.”

It took everything for Cas to not start crying right there and then. Seeing Dean in so much pain made him miserable. And since he was human, he had a hard time controlling strong emotions like these. Especially sad and angry ones.

“I'm so sorry, Dean,” Cas took his arms, gently going over them with his thumbs. “Does it hurt? You scratched yourself up pretty badly.”

Dean shook his head. “No, it's fine, I think I just bit my cheek very hard, it's okay, it'll heal.”

Although the frown on Cas’s face didn't disappear, he did feel relieved seeing Dean calm now.

“Do you need anything else? How can I help?” Cas felt useless, he didn't have his powers, he couldn't take Dean's pain away. What use did he have besides skill in fighting and a little understanding of human emotions?

“Cas, you already did plenty, I think I'll just go and see what Sam’s doing. He’s probably wondering where I've been all this time.”

That didn't sit right with Cas. “No, you just went under deep emotional stress, you are tired, you should sleep, I will not let you leave this bed.”

Dean smirked, “Is that a promise?”

Cas rolled his eyes but was pleased Dean was making jokes. That meant he felt better.

“Haha, very funny, now, take of your clothes and get under the covers.”

“Ooh, so demanding, Cas. If you wanted to see me naked, you could've just said so.” Dean wiggled his eyebrows but did as Cas said.

“I think you know that getting you naked is not a difficult task for me to achieve. Keeping your clothes on sometimes seems a bigger challenge,” He teased.

Dean just laughed. He was snuggled up to his ears, a tired smile stretching across his face and staying there comfortably. He was secretly pleased, he could stay in bed, exhaustion filling his bones and pulling him down into the mattress. 

When Cas turned around and went for the door handle, Dean exclaimed as well as he could, seeing his voice was muffled by the covers.

“Where do you think you're going?”

Cas turned around, confusion on his face.

“What do you mean? I'm going to the living room to let you sleep undisturbed.”

“No, no, no, if I have to stay in bed, you're staying with me.”

“Why?”

“I'll get bored!”

Cas almost let out an annoyed sigh, “Dean, you're going to sleep.”

“Sleeping can get boring!” Dean said. “I need you to keep me company.”

Cas rolled his eyes but didn't protest, making his way to the bed. He took his shoes off and went climbing on the bed when Dean's voice stopped him.

“You have to take your clothes off; I don't want to feel your scratchy jeans when I'm sleeping.”

Cas let out a breath, taking off his pants before Dean's voice filled the room again.

“Your shirt too.” He said in a sing-songy voice.

Cas chuckled but complied. He didn't want the fabric to separate him and Dean anyway. When he got into bed, Dean threw his hands over Cas’s torso, hugging him tightly and humming approvingly.

“Yes, now I feel much better.”

Cas laughed and hugged him back, arms sneaking around his back and resting on his stomach. He planted a kiss in his hair and softly whispered, “Sleep well, Dean.”

Dean fell asleep with a smile on his face.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I hope you enjoyed this! 
> 
> I wrote this as a way to comfort myself. Panic attacks can be a bitch, especially if you don't know how to deal with one. This is taken from my own experience. Before I understood I was having panic attacks, I misplaced them as feelings of anger, so I thought it would be interesting to write this from Dean's perspective. Also, I'm a sucker for hurt/comfort, haha, who can blame me? 
> 
> Thank you for reading this, bye!


End file.
